my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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