i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
