I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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