I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
