She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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