if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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