I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
