i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize