just come out here and I will go home with you...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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