toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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