I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
