He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
