The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
thus making me awesome and them whores
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
