i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
