It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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