chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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