I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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