My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
