Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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