last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
