bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
