Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
