if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
