Can i not drive my cunt home
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
