How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
