Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
