The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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