Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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