ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
