your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
