Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
