Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
