I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
