i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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