yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
accomplished twins. life is a go
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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