How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
