It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
