My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i think my cat just said my name.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Enjoy the penises
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
