seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
