My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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