you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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