Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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