Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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