so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
