You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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