definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
