I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
