when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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