I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Floor bacon is actually really good
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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