During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
