I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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