Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
