I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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