May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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