Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
