he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
