sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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