are you so shy because you have an std?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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