I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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