After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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